I'm just over six months along in this journey called cancer.
The range of emotions has changed over the months, weeks, days, and even hours. There are some days when it is all I think about. And there are other days where I can go for hours and forget. There are times when I am a tower of strength, and then there are moments when that tower collapses into tiny bits of dust.
When I started chemotherapy, I was advised to "take lots of photos." I couldn't imagine why I would possibly want to do that. I swore off cameras, phones with camera, and for a while, mirrors.
Why would I want to take a photograph, a still moment in time, a permanent image of a time in my life that I never want to revisit?
It's not like someday, years from now, I am going to bored and think, "What should I do today? Oh yeah, let me pull out my cancer photo album." It's not an album I'd bring out at a dinner party to share with guests.
The image in the mirror will last a lifetime in my memory.
I don't need photos to remind me.
Walking down the hallway at work, perusing the grocery store aisle, or pumping my gas at the local gas station, the average person wouldn't look at me and see a cancer patient. I make sure that my make-up is fresh, my eyeliner is dark, and my eyebrows are penciled in. I have a wig, that really, is a good wig. It came with roots and all. Most people can't believe that it's not my real hair. I appreciate their compliments. Until my breast reconstruction is complete, I have to stuff the left-hand side of my bra. I cover my collar bone because the radiation is now leaving me a lovely shade of crimson.
But when evening closes in, the wig comes off, the make-up remover erases my face, my "stuffing" comes out, and my redness shows, I am constantly reminded that this journey is not over. Yes, I am officially cancer-free, but the aesthetic side effects last longer. It's not easy to look at myself every day in the mirror, and I can't imagine taking photos unless I'm all "made up."
Those close to me (or at least my Facebook friends) have seen some recent photos. I'm all made up, so no one would be the wiser. But know this: with the exception of a family photo shoot, the only photos I have taken since my diagnosis have all been since I was declared cancer-free.
I don't want to look back at any photos and say, "That's when I had cancer."
I only want to see photos of myself cured.
So, thank you to those who offered advice, urging me to photographically document this journey. But I just couldn't do it.
I had even planned on blogging more, but I think for the same reason, I didn't want my entire life to become about cancer. So, now, I plan to blog more.
Now that the cancer is over...
